I went missing.
I confess, I completely and utterly vanished off the face of the web.
And here’s why: my stories were erased.
Yup, you heard me. For the second time, the recovered works were lost. I know, I have the worst luck in the history of worst luck ever.
Anyways, around like I don’t know, a year ago next month, my dad’s computer, which I’d been using to write all my stories, revealed to us that it was indeed old as it proceeded to shut down, reset itself to factory settings, and thereby delete all of my recently recovered works. Now, thankfully, some of my followers had already previously helped me to recover my stuff, which meant that not so much was completely and utterly lost.
But (yes, there’s a but) I kind of lost my love for writing for a long while because at that point it just felt like the world was telling me, “You know that thing you love to do? Yeah, we don’t think you should do that anymore. Like ever.” I lost an entire series that I was working on — for the second time — and with it I lost some of my will to keep typing. Dramatic, I know, but it was rough for me. I had all of this stuff. I had editted chapters. I had new ideas being developed. I had books I was transcribing from pictures that my followers had sent me. And I had hope, ya know?
I thought, okay, Wattpad took me down, but look, look at all the support I have, all the wonderful people to help me get back up. And this time, I had nothing. I had pieces of chapters I’d sent to my editor. I had a broken computer that had broken my heart in the matter of seconds. I had a dad who was telling me I obviously should just give up and write something else. And I had this nagging feeling in the back of my head that this was it, I was done.
I’m not gonna lie. I gave up. I saw the fragmented, broken pieces of stories littered all over my Google account and in my notebooks and I didn’t want to see them. I wanted the stories I’d poured my soul over for hours and hours day in and day out. I wanted to pick up where I had left off and act like nothing had happened.
I’ve tried, repeatedly, on Wattpad to just forget all the work I lost by covering them up with new ones, fresh ideas that were just shining with promise. But it didn’t help. I’d sit down and stare at the words sprawled across my screen, and all I could think about were the characters whose stories I lost and all the feedback I was hoping to get on them. I’ve been pretty haunted this year by the ghosts of characters in my mind and the scenes I’d written giggling to myself about how much my readers would love or hate them.
So yeah, I went missing.
I forgot about writing. I forgot about Wattpad. I forgot about the dozens of stories I’ll no longer be able to read. And I left you all behind. Because honestly, writing was painful for a while there. It just felt like every word would inevitably be erased off the face of the planet, like I was typing into an inevitable future of failure.
I don’t know. I still find it rather disheartening that for the past two years, August has ripped my heart out. Really, I’d like to vote the month off the calendar and formally break up with it so it can stop being such a depressing month for me. But since I can’t, I decided to just say “fuck you, August, I’m waiting for September.”
But then, I graduated from high school in June and I realized, I don’t really have the time to be putting my writing on hold for a month that doesn’t give a shit about me. It’s not alive, Amelie, why are you fighting it? You know, the kind of logical thought process that all normal people would’ve had, I dunno, a year ago? Yeah, I had that.
So here I am. And here, hopefully, you are too.
I don’t have many of the stories I used to. This time, I lost many of the ones that I’d told you guys I had saved and I don’t have the ability to get them back. I don’t have the same drive that I used to, but I try to sit down every day and write something. I don’t have the Recover trilogy anymore which — I don’t know if you guys know or not — I was rather close to finishing and I don’t have the heart to re-start it, unfortunately.
What I do have is more focus. I’m pretty cemented into working on one or two stories at a time because the space on my flash drive is rather limited and I’m terrified of losing more than that by saving something and then finding out it didn’t actually save. And I’m going to start posting one of those — like today — because I’ve been writing it while thinking about how people are going to react and I don’t want this story to haunt me like the others. I want you guys/gals to see it and to know how you feel about what happens. I’m not going to hoard this story to myself because that’s not what I’m writing it for. I want to share so I’m going to.
That being said, I don’t want for you guys to get your hopes up and think, “Oh, Amelie’s back. She’s going to post a whole bunch of stories just like she used to!” Because the truth is, I don’t know if I will. This time, I think I’m only really going to share the stuff that I’m currently writing as I write it only if I feel it’s right. This time, I think I’m going to hold onto certain ones until they’re done and then go the publishing route as opposed to posting them a chapter at a time, because it alleviates some of the pressure for me. I know you guys don’t ask for much, but when I start posting a story, I kind of put unnecessary pressure on myself because I see other people updating so regularly and then there’s me who can disappear for months at a time and I feel bad for the people who like my writing because of my inconsistency. And it’s just a mess that way, so I think this will work out far better.
Anyways~ (yes, I’m still boss as fuck at transitions), thanks for sticking around long enough to read all of this. I hope you stay with me even if my inconsistency irritates you as much as it does me. Maybe, that way, we’ll grow together. Or not. I’ve heard some people never get passed the asshole stage of development.
Ciao for Now,
Amelie J. Hyde